“Health Starts Here” and Ends at a Burger Joint

I get cranky when it comes to my cable company. I “save” money (their term)/"throw away a small fortune" (my term) by bundling phone, cable, and Internet, and for this expenditure, I consistently receive shoddy service.

Naturally, I am less than thrilled when I receive mail from my cable company. I usually mumble a few obscenities and assume that they will be socking it to me with yet another price increase.

Last week, they surprised me! My cable company graced me with a good will gesture of coupons galore! A coupon clipper, I am not – I couldn’t be bothered with keeping track of what I need to buy, where I need to buy it, and when I need to buy it by. I don’t do well with restrictions. Restrictions make me feel a little claustrophobic. However, there was one very special coupon that caught my eye: a 50% off coupon for lunch at Whole Foods. Since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I thought a halfway free lunch was mighty enticing!

I noticed that the coupon expired today. The claustrophobia quickly subsided when I realized I that I only had to keep track of this puppy for a few days. I put it in a spot where I would find it Monday morning, and come today at noon, I escaped to my halfway free lunch adventure.

Once I arrived at Whole Paycheck (as my father likes to call it), I quickly noticed the disclaimers in the coupon’s fine print. Tiny disclaimer #1: Must be used on an item in the prepackaged case. As a loyal Whole Paycheck shopper, I knew exactly where to find this case, and….it was at half capacity for some very odd reason. Tiny disclaimer #2: Must be used on “Health Starts Here” item. I counted 1, 2, 3, “Health Starts Here” lunch items – none of which appealed to me.

I asked a friendly Whole Foods “team member” (they are not “employees”, if you are unaware of the culture) where else I might find “Health Starts Here” items in a store which I had been led to believe sold exclusively healthy and “whole” foods. He directed me to the sandwich counter. Yum! I love, Love, LOVE their wraps, especially the ones with the spinach tortillas. The sandwich guy said that he didn’t think I could use my coupon there. I threw him a pitch: to me, Health definitely Starts Here with a spinach tortilla, lean white meat chicken, avocado, and a few other goodies tossed in for good measure. I sold the guy on my idea, but his manager didn’t bite.

Utterly dejected, I walked back to the prepackaged case. I wasn’t about to throw away a halfway free lunch. I decided on the Power Salad. I liked the name. I envisioned myself feeling incredibly powerful for the rest of the day. And I also liked that the “salad” was a bit on the unconventional side. Not a shred of lettuce to be found. Nope. This Power Salad consisted of whole grains such as Kamut (I like the way Kamut trips over my tongue when I say it and when I eat it), butternut squash, edamame, almonds, raisins, and a few other goodies thrown in for good measure.

I returned to the office to eat and chat with girlfriends. I didn’t contribute much to the conversation, as chewing all of those grains and nuts was a lot of work. Quite exhausting, actually. I only had time to eat about a third of my lunch. And there’s only so much nuts and grains one can eat anyway.

Approximately ½ hour later, I found myself heading over for my first trip to the vending machine. The afternoon plummeted from there. Feeling less than powerful, I decided to therapeutically reclaim my power by writing a letter to Whole Foods. O.k. So I didn’t actually send it to Whole Foods. I’m not that pathetic. I sent it to my lunch companions for a good laugh instead.


Dear Whole Foods aka Whole Paycheck,

Even though I enjoy vegan dishes, I have decided that I cannot eat them as my sole meal. (Unless they are those delish little faux buffalo wings that contain a high soy protein isolate content which apparently is not the best for you either, but let’s be practical here.) Today’s selection, which you billed as a “lunch”, is really a side dish.

Since nibbling on my healthy “lunch”, this is what I have consumed:

1 strawberry shortcake ice cream bar from vending machine visit #1
1 bag of Baked Lay’s sour cream & onion chips from vending machine visit #2
1 apple
1 cup of white tea with lavender (delightful)
Copious amounts of water
2 pieces of gum

Since nibbling on my healthy “lunch”, I have lost track of how many times I have fantasized about scarfing a Carl’s Jr. cheeseburger. I will be free to consume said cheeseburger in approximately 2 hours. Let the countdown begin!

There is a silver lining in all of this torture. I have stopped thinking about a certain member of the opposite sex for the first time in a week. I am too hungry to care.

Yours in healthy eating (but within moderation),
Late Bloomer


Two hours and fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the Carl’s Jr. Drive Thru. For those of you who live in parts of the country that don’t have Carl’s Jr., I am truly sorry for your loss. Carl’s Jr. is “Home of the $6 Burger” which, in this recession, is now $2.79. Yes, you guessed it. Today I received both a halfway free lunch AND a halfway free dinner. Now when does THAT ever happen, I ask you?!?!

For those of you who are sorrowfully in the dark, the Carl’s Jr. $6 Burger (which is now the $2.79 Recession Burger) is a REAL burger containing 100% Angus beef. I can’t actually tell you what Angus beef is, but it tastes like it is really good quality, and that’s all that matters to me.

I eat healthy 95% of the time, but like I said earlier, I’m not a fan of restrictions. I patronize Carl’s Jr. (this is not a paid advertisement, by the way) about once a month or once every other month, depending on my hormonal forecast. I stop on the way home after one of my bi-weekly blissful massage experiences. Today, my massage therapist reminded me as usual to drink lots of water post-massage because apparently my body is excreting toxins at an alarming rate. To me, that means it is prime time for a cheeseburger. I may as well consume one when my body’s getting rid of junk like there’s no tomorrow. Since I was particularly ravenous during tonight’s visit, I also ordered onion rings. As a health food nut, I am well aware of the health benefits of onions which have antibacterial and antiviral properties which come in really handy this time of year.

Honestly, between the “Health Starts Here” lunch, the antioxidants in this afternoon’s white tea, the toxin-eradicating massage, the flood of water, and the superfood properties of the onions, I don’t think my body will even recognize the cheeseburger.

Guilt is laced with restriction, and I am not going there.

Bon Appétit!